Journal Entry: Mon May 21, 2012, 10:10 AM
Hello, to those who still check here.
I know i Fade back and forth into existence here, and here i am doing it again.
the last year has had one hell of a effect on me. for the second time in my life i believe i had finally reached that point where i felt that i could say "this is the person i want by my side and i will do anything to stand by theirs" only to find that i was not wanted. i had finally gotten my trust and abandonment issues stable only to have them slammed back into me, finding the one i loved with another the day after i had waited to hold them in my arms again.
the result was more than i ever expected.
i had expected it to hit me hard because i always try so hard in my relationships and for those that have i have been able to put my heart into the rejection tears.
but i was not expecting what followed.
I lost that place, the one inside my head, the one where my art comes from. that world where i observed the inhabitants and drew them for this world to see. i had spent my whole life working on this world, planting every blade of grass, and laying every stone. to build a home with a place beside me.
now, i can no longer see it. the structures are ash and the inhabitants linger in the mists of churning soot and burnt land, and i can not see them.
among other things these last 2 years, i have been Diagnosed with Hashimotos Disease, where my body is attacking my thyroid. my parents have left and moved on so i no longer have that part of my family around. even though i was not living with them they were the ones that were there in my worst times and had never abandoned me.
i am now in a state of having many others who were one friends , leaving. some have said they have given up on me and others say they cant deal with how i have fallen from who i was and lastly those who said they don't want someone like me in their life anymore.
the problems with always feeling like people are going to get what they want from me and leave has only gotten stronger.
now on anti depressants, therapy and other medications i have stopped trying to commit suicide, and am slowly being able to talk to people again.
I no longer work for Field Of Corpses here in Colorado, though i still believe it was one of the happiest times of my life, my mind, heart and body cant take the tolls that came from being the Butcher for that long. for those who have never been, it is still one of the best Haunted houses in Colorado.
Due to the what has happened in my mind and body the main reason i wrote this blog was to say that as of December of this year i will no longer be going to school for drawing, i have found that it is too exhausting to do, to force the world that i cant see to this one has caused me to slip into deeper depression. the anger that has risen in place where there was once passion and love leave little for the positive reinforcement.
Drawing will soon no longer be what i do...
I try and hope that someday it will return but for now for the sake of not failing school and mental health i will not be doing it after Drawing IV.
i will be continuing my art education with the last Bastion of create i have been able to hold stable to. Metalworking will be the next chapter of my life as i have been able to vent the feelings and emotions i have been dealing with through fire and the hammering of metal, the Destructive nature to ultimately create has been eh driving force that will allow me to continue on with out giving up on art all together and therefore dropping out of school and giving up on art as a major part of my life.
i will be loading the last of the drawings that i have had for those who wish to see them.
For those who Hope and dream for Love and the Battle that is Partnership in love and life. please don't stop Dreaming and don't stop fighting, for yourself and for those you love, and in a very small way fight and dream for those who have lost the drive and the heart to do the same.
Watching: locha libre
Eating: tokyo joes
Drinking: dew from the mountain